In our home with four 4 year-old children, there are a lot of arguments over toys and who said what that results in hurt feelings. This can be accompanied by crying or whining and is usually over something very minor. Recently, I started to stand between the arguing parties and belt out, “Let it Go” from Frozen. This usually causes them to smile despite themselves. Our kids have never actually seen Frozen (believe it or not) but, they know that song.
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The most recent time was when Xayden and Capri were arguing while building together with Magnatiles. It was a silly argument about who had more squares. I stood over the structure they were building in such a way that they could not continue building and began to sing loudly. Xayden continued to argue his points while looking annoyed that he could not reach his building. I continued to sing while asserting that I would sing all day until they apologized and ‘let it go.’
This went on for quite some time as Xayden and I can both be stubborn. Finally, Xayden realized that I was really not going to move or stop singing until they made up. So, he apologized followed by Capri and they began to work productively together.
The next day, we were going somewhere as a family and Greg and I were having a quiet disagreement. We used to be able to do this easily without the kids noticing because we kept our tones even. Not any more. Xayden picked up on it and pointedly asked, “Are you arguing?” We had to admit that we were.
He started to sing, “Let it Go,” and increased his volume as he sang until all of his siblings had joined in. We could not help but laugh when they all belted out the song. It is really hard to stay annoyed when four kids are serenading you. As a psychologist, I had many clients over the years who came in feeling distressed about their relationships because they had never witnessed their parents fight. Sometimes their parents divorced without ever arguing in front of them. When they had conflicts in their own relationships, it was alarming because they believed that conflict was abnormal. I believe it is healthy for children to see some conflict as long as it is not demeaning, violent or over the top. Kids will see that conflict happens and can be resolved. Then, when it’s over, they can “let it go.”
Your son's response was perfect. 🙂 I think it's healthy for kids to see their parents argue as long as it does not get out of control and they also see a resolution.
Hi Shelah.
I agree. If they see their parents work it out, it shows them that they can work it out too.
: 0 ) Theresa
That is a great idea to stop the kids. I also am glad to hear a little arguing in front of the kids is ok. We don't do it often, but we will have disagreements, and I don't like to hide them.
Hi Shann.
I think we all have disagreements and, from my experience, going to great lengths to hide them, is not necessarily healthy for the kids. It also takes the pressure off to be perfect. It is nice for kids to see that parents are human too.
: 0 ) Theresa
My mother-in-law was one of those people who had never ever seen or heard her parents argue. Her parents stayed together until the end, but she was still really shocked in the beginning when she got married and had arguments with her husband. It was difficult for her to come to terms with. My kids have definitely seen my husband and I arguing every so often, sometimes arguing very loudly, but they also see us being kind to one another and kissing and cuddling.
Hi Heidi.
I can see why your mother-in-law had a hard time coming to terms with marital conflict in the beginning. It would be so easy to feel like a failure if your role models had never demonstrated conflict and resolution.
It is wonderful that you are showing your kids that relationships consist of kindness and some conflict too. You are also demonstrating that problems happen and can be solved. They will see that it is OK to be angry sometimes. Your kids will have a head start to healthy relationships in the future.
: 0 ) Theresa
This is hilarious and also genious! I'm giving the hilarity to credit to your son 😉 I honestly think I'm going to start belting Disney songs until the kids stop fighting thanks to you!!!
Ha ha ha ha I love that he gave you a dose of your own medicine!! A boy after my own very heart.
I do think it is good to watch your own parents argue a bit and see how they can work it out. (On another note, my kids are obsessed with magnatiles too!)
Hi WorkingMomMagic.
Yes, when kids see parents work it out, they know they can too. Magnatiles are the best investment EVER. We bought the small set at first because my husband thought they were rather pricey. HE had so much fun building with the kids that we went back the same day to buy the larger set! The kids never tire of them.
: 0 ) Theresa
Hi Mrs. FF.
I somehow missed your comment before! Sorry about that. Yes, it was pay back. we can't put anything past our observant Xayden!
: 0 ) Theresa
Hi Alana.
I must have missed your comment before too. Sorry about that. Let me know if it works for you. And be prepared to have them sing right back at you!
: 0 ) Theresa